Save a Life! Adopt a Pet-Directory.Com
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it
suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog had been
dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a
high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble arch that
glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing, before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the
arch hat looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure
gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk
to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road
that led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no
fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there." The man pointed to a place that
couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."
"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said
that was heaven, too."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your
SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their persons want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit!", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require...especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.
LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.
you would learn stuff like:
A Christian couple wanted to get a family pet. They felt it important to own a Christian trained pet. So, they went pet searching. At a kennel specializing in Christian trained pets, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash.
When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home.
That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new dog and his major skills, that they called the dog over and had him show off his Bible fetching ability.
The friends were very impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well.
This stopped the couple cold, as they hadnt thought about "normal" tricks. Well, they said, "lets try this out." Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the mans forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.
the first day of creation, God created the dog.
The day is divided into two important sections. Mealtime. And everything else.
1. Just because there does not seem to be anything visible around to eat certainly does not mean there is nothing around to eat. The act of staring at the underside of a table or chair on which someone else is eating sets in motion a chain of events that eventually results in food.
2. It goes without saying that you should carefully check the lower third of any space for edibles. Mouth-sized things which cannot be identified by sight or smell are considered gum.
3. When you actually receive a meal, submerge your head into it as you would a shower. Never, never look up again until a minimum of at least fifteen minutes after the obvious food is gone. This is important. Just because your dish is empty does not mean that it is time to stop eating.
4. Remember that all food is potentially yours up until the time that it is actually swallowed by another. The lengthy path a piece of food will take from a plate to a mouth via a hand is as good a time as any to stake your claim to it.
5. When it comes to selecting an appropriate beverage, location and packaging mean nothing. There are absolutely no exceptions to this rule.
6. If you really see something you want, and all your other attempts at getting it have failed, it is only right to grovel shamelessly. As a second tactic, stare intently at the object of your desire, allowing long gelatinous drools to leak like icicles from your lower lip.
II. Everything Else
1. There are really only two important facial expressions to bother with: complete and overwhelming joy and nothing at all.
2. Any time that is not meal-time is potentially nap time. The best time to take a nap is when you hear your name being called repeatedly. The best location for a nap is dead center of any street or driveway. The most relaxing position is on your side, all four limbs parallel.
3. The most practical way to get dry is to shake violently near a fully clothed person. A second effective method is to stand on a light-colored piece of furniture.
4. Personal Safety
A. At the first hint of any irregular noise, run from room to room yelling loudly. If someone actually comes into the house, rush over to them whether you know them or not. Then kiss them so violently that they lose their balance or have to force you away physically.
B. The greatest unacknowledged threat to life as we have come to know it is squirrels. No matter what you must do, make sure there are none in your yard.
5. Recreation and Leisure
A. Ball: There are two equally amusing sets of rules you will want to know. a. The Common Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and return it.
b. The Preferred Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and eat it.
B. Car: As you know, any open car door is an invitation to get in. Once inside, your only goal is to try to get out.
A. In the event of a trip to the doctor, always be on your guard. If you are vaccinated, urinate on the physician.
1. Both keep moving...even when they are lost.
1. Dogs don't have problems expressing affection in public.
Page Updated: Tuesday March 08, 2011