Cat Humor

The Amazing Cat Miracle Diet:  Results in only 4 Days

Why can't we win at the losing game? Why do our dieting efforts fail? It's because we are still thinking and eating like HUMANS. Here's the answer: the new "Cat Miracle Diet."

Day One:

Breakfast: Open a can of very expensive gourmet cat food, any flavor. Place 1/4 cup on a plate, eat one bite, look around the room with disdain, knock the rest on the floor, stare at the wall, then stalk off into the next room.

Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Find the cleanest carpet in the house and throw up.

Dinner: Catch a moth. Play with it until it is almost dead, eat one wing, leave the rest to die.

Bedtime snack: Steal a green bean from your spouse's plate, bat it on the floor until it goes under the refrigerator.  Steal a small piece of chicken, eat half of it, leave the other half on the sofa. Throw away the rest of the gourmet cat food left from breakfast.

Day Two:

Breakfast: Pick up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa, knock it onto the carpet, bat it under the TV. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse tries to read it.

Lunch: Break into the French bread loaf you bought for Saturday's dinner party, lick the top of it all over, take one bite out of the middle of it.

Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Toss it around until it is mushy and half dead. Let it escape under the bed.

Dinner: Open a can of dark-colored gourmet cat food (tuna or beef works best), eat it voraciously, go from the kitchen to the edge of the living room rug, throw up. Step in it as you leave and track footprints across the entire room.

Day Three:

Breakfast: Drink some of the milk from your spouse's cereal bowl when no one is looking, splatter some of it onto the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.

Lunch: Catch a small bird, bring it into the house, play with it on top of your down comforter. Make sure the bird is not dead, only seriously injured, before you abandon it.

Dinner: Beg and cry until someone gives you some ice cream or milk in your own bowl, take three licks, turn the bowl over on the floor.

Day Four:

Breakfast: Eat six bugs (any type) leaving a collection of wings, legs, and antennae on the bathroom floor, drink a lot of water, throw up on your spouse's pillow.

Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's
chicken to-go leftovers found in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times, chew on the corner, abandon it.

Dinner: Open another can of very expensive gourmet cat food that is especially runny - like chicken and giblets with gravy. Lick off all the gravy leaving the meat to dry up and harden.

THE CREATION STORY - AS TOLD BY THE CAT

On the first day of creation, God created the cat.
On the second day, God created man to serve the cat.
On the third, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the cat.
On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to scoop the litter box.

CAT HAIKUS

You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.

You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail!
Behold, elevator butt.

The rule for today
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.

In deep sleep hear sound
cat vomit hairball somewhere
will find in morning.

In midnight walk to bathroom
Feel cat commit hairball between my toes
Must wash feet in bathtub.

Grace personified.
I leap into the window.
I meant to do that.

Blur of motion, then --
silence, me, a paper bag.
What is so funny?

The mighty hunter
Returns with gifts of plump birds --
your foot just squashed one.

You're always typing.
Well, let's see you ignore my
sitting on your hands.

My small cardboard box.
You cannot see me if I
can just hide my head.

Terrible battle.
I fought for hours. Come and see!
What's a 'term paper'?

Kitty likes plastic
Confuses for litter box
Don't leave tarp around

Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes
Fear vacuum cleaner

I want to be close
to you. Can I fit my head
inside your armpit?

Wanna go outside.
Oh, no! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!

Oh no! Big One
has been trapped by newspaper!
Cat to the rescue!

Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in bed, then screams
My claws are not that sharp.

Cats meow out of angst;
Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!
We could break so much!

Litter box not here
You must have moved it again
I'll use the sink

The Big Ones snore now
Every room is dark and cold
Time for Cup Hockey.

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR CAT HAS LEARNED YOUR INTERNET PASSWORD

by Dave Fore

10. You get email flames from some guy named "Fluffy".
9. There are traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.
8. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip.
7. Your web browser has a new home page.
6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it... and a strange aroma of tuna.
5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp about their releases of CyberDog.
4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.
3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCatII.
2. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser.
1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.

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The CAT User's Manual

User Installation and Maintenance Documentation CAT v. 7.0:
Completely Autonomous Telepurronics
Manufactured by MOMCAT
System Design Specifications:

* User Friendly
* Mouse Driven
* Self Cleaning
* Energy Saving Standby Mode When Not In Use
* Self Portable Operation
* Dual Video and Audio Input
* Audio Output
* Auto Search Routines for Input Data
* Auto Search for Output Bin
* Instant Transition (<2 nanoseconds) Between Standby and  Full Power Model
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Production Details: After basic KIT construction, the unit
undergoes six weeks of onsite ROM programming and burn-in testing.
Listed features are installed during this period. Since MOMCAT uses local suppliers, there may be variations between units.
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Transportation: A suitable transportation case should be used for transportation to the operating site. Failure to properly ship a CAT unit may result in loss or damage to the unit and/or serious injury to the end user.
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Installation Procedures: Upon receiving the CAT unit, the user should examine the unit to verify that all I/O channels are operational. Look for minor bugs in or on the system. Bugs are indicative of the MOMCAT production environment. The user may manually remove any bugs.

Bring the CAT to operation in an environment temperature at 20 deg. (+/- 3 deg tolerance). Use a quiet room with the primary user(s) present. Open the transportation case and let the CAT unit autoexit. Initialize the self learning program Katfind(tm) by displaying the input bins. These should contain H2O (liquid  state, room temperature, 99% purity) and dry energy pellets.   Immediately afterwards, display the output bin.

If the user already has a CAT unit successfully installed, it  may be possible to transfer BASIC routines to the new CAT. For the first day or two, the CAT will stay in self learning mode. When the learn buffer overflows, the CAT will autoswitch to sleep mode. This is normal. The MMU system will store the new information to permanent memory. After 72 hours, the CAT will be interacting with the operating environment.

The unit may be placed in direct sunlight. CAT units are operational in all axis: standing, sitting, or laying down. If  all basic environment requirements are satisfied, the CAT system will produce a slight hum. This is normal.

A new CAT should not exit the primary site facility. Full portability comes after extensive burn in. Some users never let the CAT unit autoexit the site. The advantages are longer unit life and fewer bugs. Contact with pirate CAT units may lead to unplanned BATCH iteration. Contact with untested CATs may lead  to virus infection. If allowed to exit, fatal errors may happen.   If you decide to let your CAT out, it should have a READ_ME.TXT  file with a system address and URL which identifies the host site.

Your CAT should have a system name. The name may need to be reinitialized repeatedly until the system can read it correctly.  This lets you issue voice commands to bring the unit to an online state.   Many owners give their CATs a secret password as well. You can also get the CAT's attention by booting the system.  While this is effective, it is discouraged.
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Applications: At present, there are few productivity applications for CAT.

MOUSE is a killer app. This is pre-installed.
Most owners use their system for game playing. CATs play best when they are new. Older units suffer a system timing decay which leads to reduced response and flexibility. Some CAT games are:

CACHE
The CAT will CACHE a data string. Similar to the K9 unit game, but the object must be smaller.

JUMP
Move the data string through the air. The CAT unit will reach new heights of operation.

MIRROR
Place the unit in front of a mirror and watch it attempt to
parse itself. Some units may ESCape. Reboot the system by calling its name.

CHASE
Played between two CAT units or a CAT and a K9 unit. Units take turns as one is the data and the other attempts to parse it.

DANCE and SING
Offer fishy data code to elicit a range of audio output.
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Maintenance: CATs will self-recharge. This takes 20 hours in a 24 hour cycle. CATs are self cleaning and require little user maintenance.
Do not clean the unit with alcohol or benzine-based solvents. This may lead to a violent explosion. A CAT unit should be taken once a year to a VET for a system checkup.
Do not attempt to open a CAT. There are no user serviceable parts inside. If a unit emits unusual smells or sounds, it should be serviced immediately by a VET.

You may examine the CAT system to determine if it has a male or female SCSI port. If the port is male, then the CAT unit may permit a non-toxic aerosol. The VET can remove this component.
CATs with female ports are plagued by periodic heating problems. The VET can fix this permanently by removing an internal part. Such systems should run Unix.
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Warning Notices: CAT systems are normally user friendly.
However, in certain documented situations, a CAT may pose a danger to the user.   Repeated jamming or obstruction of I/O ports may lead to deployment of auto-defense systems. Never attempt a first strike on a CAT system. Its CPU clock rate made to milspecs and thus classified, but Jane's Fighting Felines notes that a unit was seen by ham radio operators to be apparently moving at 500 MHz. Twin D-shaped five-pin connectors have an average seek rate of 3 nanoseconds.  The manufacturer is not responsible for injuries to the user.
Children should not poke anything into the CAT's I/O ports. CAT may BYTE.
In dry, cold weather, a surface electrostatic charge may build up.  To avoid electric shock, stand on an insulated surface.  Do not operate the CAT above water. This may lead to end-user damage.
Carry the CAT firmly. Do not swing it by its "tail".
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If you properly care for your CAT, it will give you years of  loyal service. Many users get a second unit, to enjoy the ability to run complex simulation games.
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User Groups: CAT users can find other users and FAQ on the Usenet newsgroup rec.pets.cats.
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Lifetime Warranty: The CAT unit is guaranteed against catastrophic failure. Nine coupons are included.
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Documented Problems: The Ctrl key on most CAT units is defective. This may lead to serious performance problems.
Do not install a BIRD unit at a site which has an operational CAT unit. These tend to disappear.
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System Features:
* Models = Main frame, desktop and laptop models (smallest footprint in the industry). Available in 15 inch, 17 inch, and 19 inch sizes.
* Interface = Touch sensitive interface for maximum user friendliness.
* Memory = Not much. Upgrades available real soon now.
* Expected Lifetime = 15 years (although 20 years is common).
* Weight = 3-6 kilograms without optional cables.
* Speed = 3 nanoseconds search/find with self-uprighting supertwist technology.
* Color Graphics = Either paper white, monochrome (black/white), 64 gray shades, or maximum of 16 million
colors with 40 terrabits of high resolution floating point pixels.
* Sound Chip =16 octaves, digital MIDI output (MI/OU).
* Power Consumption = 250 grams protein daily (2 micrograms
* Operating Range = -30 to +45 C (-22 to +105 F)
* Vibration = 5-500 Hz, one octave/min, dwell at all resonance points.
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Contacting CAT Technical Support:
Our highly trained technicians are ready to help you. As soon as they wake up from their nap.